Our breath is our superpower. When we breathe, we are sending signals to our brain and body that everything is okay. We’re creating space in which we can respond – instead of mindlessly react – to the situation at hand. If you feel yourself starting to escalate to an out-of-control feeling, then you may tell yourself to take a breath, because you know it will help you feel better and get back on track. With practice, the breath will show up automatically and help you to regulate.
When I teach mindfulness to kids, we talk about all this stuff – we learn about the brain, and why it reacts the way it does when we get stressed out or frustrated, then we learn how to get control back with our breath. We practice breathing during our mindful minute, and we learn fun (yet functional) breaths, like balloon breath and finger breathing.
As a therapist, I teach breathing techniques to families. I suggest to parents that they practice breathing with their child in the relaxed, peaceful moments. Practice makes the reactive part of our brains less reactive, and the problem-solving part of our brains stronger. With practice, as mentioned above, your child will eventually get to a point where the breath comes naturally and automatically in times of need – helping them pause before responding to a stressful situation.
Let’s say your child becomes frustrated and starts to escalate. You see it coming, like you’ve seen it many times before: some type of reaction to their frustration that will likely end badly. But you’ve been practicing mindfulness, so you tell them, “Do your breathing!”
Well, unfortunately, telling them to breathe is the equivalent of someone telling you to “Calm down!” It’s true what the memes say: Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down. Right now, your child is not thinking clearly and a verbal cue at this point might only add fuel to the fire.
So your child screams, “No! I don’t want to breathe!” And then you tell me later that breathing doesn’t work, he just won’t do it.
Here’s what you can do: model the behavior you’d like to see. Simply begin breathing. (You probably need it at this point as well!) When your child begins to escalate*, you can adjust your own energy to calm, even, quiet. Your child is struggling right now, and you are a co-regulator. You are there to help your child get back to an even keel. Once they’re a little calmer, you may be able to say something like, “Let’s breathe together” or invite them to choose a breath you can both do. If you have a visual of different breaths they like, keep it nearby so they can reference it or point to one they want to try. Then talk about how they feel, validate those feelings, help them process… and all those things they can do now that they’ve cooled down.
*Note: sometimes it’s simply too late to help your child de-escalate. If they are in full blown meltdown mode, they may just need to ride it out. Hold space for them, and breathe together when it’s over.
Click here for balloon breath and finger breathing free downloads. Breath visuals are available in the Mindful With Me Bundle.