As a behavioral specialist, it’s my job to solve people’s problems. So any time I see someone who’s struggling (client, friend, family member, TV character…), my first instinct is to give advice, solicited or not.
But wait a second. When I’m struggling, usually what I want is to rant or mope or just be hugged. I’m not looking for a solution, I’m looking for someone to see me, hear me, hug me. I just want them to hold space for me.
And that’s what holding space means: simply to be there for someone.
When you’re going through trauma, depression, grief…or just having a bad day, it’s comforting to have someone in your corner. Not every problem can be – or needs to be – solved in that moment. We tend to assume that when someone is pouring out their heart they’re actually asking us to make everything okay again.
We see a loved one who’s hurting, and we may be tempted to fix or advise -- with the best of intentions, of course. We also may be tempted to downplay whatever they’re going through (“Relax, it’s not that big a deal!”), possibly as a weak attempt to lessen our own discomfort. Don’t do that, please!
So, how do you hold space?
Listen. Whether you’re there in person or on the other end of a phone/screen, listen to what they have to say without offering your own two cents. This is not the time to share your own painful experiences.
Create a safe space. If they’re revealing their feelings to you, chances are they already feel safe around you -- but your presence in the moment can help maintain that sense of safety. Be aware of your own body language and let them know you’re listening, without judgment or criticism.
Allow the other person to just be. Although it may feel uncomfortable, we don’t want them to dismiss their feelings. Pushing feelings aside doesn’t make them go away – they will show up again, probably louder than before.
Set your ego aside. This is not about you. You are here for them.
Check in with yourself. I know, I just said this is not about you, but you do want to make sure that you are able to remain grounded and that you’re not becoming triggered.
Holding space for others is beneficial in a few ways. Consider the implications of holding space, especially if you’re working or living with kids.
What happens when we hold space:
Empowerment. If you’re always there to solve someone’s problems, how will they learn to overcome adversity on their own? Empowerment encourages children to believe in their own abilities, thereby strengthening their self-esteem.
Resilience. When we feel supported and seen/heard/understood, our ability to bounce back from adversity increases.
Permission. When we hold space, we’re saying, “You are allowed to feel what you feel and to verbalize it without fear of judgment or shaming.”
Emotional intelligence. Elements of emotional intelligence include self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy. When we hold space for others, we are fostering personal growth and the chance to build these specific skills.
Modeling. Kids learn about the world by watching us, and you are teaching them how to hold space for others.
Lastly, remember that you can hold space for yourself as well. Sit with yourself – feel your feelings and examine them with curiosity. Ask yourself what you need in this moment. Practice non-judgment and self-compassion – why not do for yourself what you would do for a loved one?
